For a long time, I had thought the secret to overcoming emotional exhaustion was consistent self-care habits. That was before I found myself stretched too thin and seriously burnt out this year.

All of these things are meant to keep you stress-free, right? Meditation, yoga, journaling.. Maybe you think they’re the solution to all your problems, just as I did.

Well, what happens if self-care fails you? I discovered something this year that made me think my self-care concept was all wrong. I burnt myself to the ground even though I exercised self-care on a daily basis, and I wasn’t being honest with myself. What I was saying was that self-care didn’t work for me, but here’s how I figured out what I wanted to do.

I’ve always known that self-care is much more than hot bubble baths, but I didn’t understand my self-care concept was confined until it stopped working for myself. I always felt burnt out, even as I found time for exercise, showers, journaling, and all of the self-care stuff. I figured spending quality time taking care of myself on a regular basis was the secret to stopping me from stressing out, but it apparently wasn’t. It’s not enough to say that it didn’t help me with any of these matters, but there was more to the case that might have helped with all of those things. I wanted to take something off of my plate while taking care of myself. At the end of 2019, it wasn’t until I quit my job that I really begin to feel like myself again. The way they treated me I knew I needed to leave and find a new employer. It was the one thing I wanted to let go of, but before it happened because of circumstances beyond my control, I hadn’t felt like it was an option. It was something that needed to happen, as much as I hated being unemployed for a short few weeks. The self-care that I was losing was getting something off my hands. I still feel lighter going into 2020. I realize I’ve got less to think about, and I actually feel like it’s me again.

How I Redefined Self- Care

I have understood what self-care actually means now that I am no longer in a position where I can barely keep track of anything. True self-care decides whether you can tolerate whatever causes you pain or whether you will change it. For a long time, I wanted to tolerate it, to reassure myself that things were all right, but there was no way I could keep my life in such a hustle. I had to let go of everything in my case in order to really feel like myself again. I also think that it’s so important to have a support system who can take some of the weight off of your shoulders.

Self-care ironically involves more than just yourself.

Recently, I read an article about community self-care and how it could be much more important than personal self-care. Community self-care is about having people in your life who are there for you when you need it most. Looking back at it now, without being burnt out, there’s no way I could have done all the stuff I was doing. You can’t do everything, particularly not alone. If you are trying to make it through something, you need a support system in life. Prioritize and get comfortable looking for help with your support system. In 2019, I struggled at these two things, but now I know you can’t do it all by yourself. I know that for the sake of my own mental health, I need to protect my time and not take on too much. Many people probably feel the same way and overwhelm themselves at times. My key argument here is that self-care is more meaningful than very many of us know. It’s more than everyday health habits (even though those are important).

I feel it is my duty to include other reasons why traditional self-care doesn’t always work for some people. These are generated from hierarchies, politics, colonialism, inequality of society, and much more. Along with situations greater than ourselves, so many of us struggle, which means we have to be allies to each other. Some posts worth reading are here:

• Young female doctors are at high risk for burnout and “self- care” is not the answer. 
• Self Care isn’t enough. We need community care to thrive. 
• Black mothers are drowning and self care is not the answer 

Is there anything you need to let go of?

From now on, I put my energy into the things that give you life, not the things that make me doubt any decision I make. If it doesn’t suit my view of life, it’s not worth committing my attention to it. If you’re burnt out, and you’ve attempted self-care techniques, you need a) stop resisting anything you flame out, or b) let it go for your own sanity. I hope this article will help you redefine self-care or give you some support if you’re in a similar role to the one I’ve been in.